We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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