I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
