I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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