Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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