I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
