I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
