Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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