So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
