you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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