Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
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i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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