I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
