I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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