why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
