genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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