One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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