when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
