i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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