I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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