shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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