not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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