why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
