i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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