none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I wear drunk well.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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