The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
