I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
