looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just gift wrapped bread.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
