I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
