This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
