I heard we made out
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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