Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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