So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
