I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
