Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
is that a dick in a sweater?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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