Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
