She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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