apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
