I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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