great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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