Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
