just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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