my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i wish my penis had a tongue
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
