the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
