some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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