Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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