I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
