Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
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when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
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You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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