C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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