the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
