omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
