im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
