I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
