My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
