who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
